Regulating Your Emotions
Hi there,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well- breathing deeply, moving your body, and noticing positive moments in your every day. I hope you’ve been feeling more resilient as you navigate life. Surely, if nothing else testing you, then this Texan heat is because oh my!
Today, I want to share with you about emotion regulation. Emotions are a response to a person, thing, or situation and you experience them all the time. e.g., when someone cuts in front of you, when you see the price of eggs, when you meet a PR weight goal, when you share a warm hug, when you experience a traumatic event or when a prayer is answered in real time. We experience a range of emotions to different situations in our lives with varying levels of intensity. Unfortunately, many of us can’t recognize much less articulate what we’re feeling because we truly don’t know, were never taught or had it modelled. In fact, its possible you were shamed or criticised for expressing your emotions at a time in your life and so its likely you’ve struggled with them. Emotional [dys]regulation affects facets of your health and life. The goal is to learn how to manage them so they don’t lead us to responding in ways that could be harmful to us, others, relationships or lives at large. It’s a necessary skill for everyday living and functioning, and important for and building resiliency.
To regulate your emotions, the first step is to identify what you're feeling in the first place, you know? There’re emotions that we're all able to identify readily such as angry, happy, sad, etc however there’re other emotions that more accurately or aptly described what we’re truly feeling. For example, you know you’re in a bad mood but perhaps it’s that you feel pressured or overwhelmed, and it manifests as being hostile and short with others. Or you know you’re in a good mood but perhaps it’s that you feel valued or appreciated and that’s what’s putting the extra pep in your step and smile on your face. The goal is for you to better understand yourself and the deeper emotions you experience. When we’re able to accurately name or label the emotion, then we can know what to do with it. I encourage you to explore the “Feelings Wheel” www.calm.com that helps you to widen your vocabulary and understanding of how emotions work and how some can underlie others.
Also, emotions can manifest in physiological symptoms in your body and can also clue you into what you feel. For example, you’re flushed in the face, and you feel warm. Is this anger or jealousy? You have a weird feeling in your belly. Is this excitement or trepidation? When you’re excited, you might notice your heart beats faster, your breath is shallow/rapid, you have sweaty palms or clammy hands, or you have “butterflies”. But these same symptoms can mimic that of anxiety too, no? instead of “butterflies”, its “nausea” or twisting in your stomach as if you were on a rollercoaster. Noticing your body, and of course the context of the situation can help you truly identify the emotion you feel.
So, now you’ve honestly labelled what you’re feeling. what next? Well, allow yourself to feel it! (I just heard you roll your eyes and say what the heck does that actually mean) Haha, It’s such “therapy-speak” I know. But it means, admitting or acknowledging the emotion, slowing down, validating, and not immediately wanting to run away from the discomfort of said emotion. Stay with me, I’ll explain. What we tend to do when we recognise our emotions is we belittle, minimise, suppress, or dismiss them. You tell yourself to “suck it up”, that you’re complaining or whining, that you should be over this thing by now or that you’re above feeling this way. I mean, you’re 42 years old and deep down, you still yearn for the acknowledgement of your parent and you think how embarrassing and juvenile is that? how can you possibly still feel that way as an adult? how can you tell it to someone else without them judging you? You can’t, right? so you stuff it down, deny and pretend that you don’t need praise from anyone… this then begins to bleed into other aspects of your life and choices, but we won’t get into that right now.
Like I mentioned earlier, you’ve likely developed complex feelings about feelings in your formative years that have followed you into adulthood and which may be posing personal challenges for you today including how you speak to or treat yourself. Unfortunately, suppressing, belittling or judging yourself and emotions does little to help resolve them, and actually tends to lead to the blow up, outburst, or rash response. Instead, demonstrating a level of compassion and understanding towards yourself does, recognising that anyone else in the same situation you’ve experienced would likely feel the same way you do. I mean truly, anybody else who got laid off would also feel anxious, inadequate, or worried. Anybody else who got cheated would also feel distrustful, betrayed or hurt. Anyone else who DID the cheating would likely feel shame, guilt and condemnation. Anyone who got turned down would also feel rejected or inadequate. IIt’s understandable to feel the way you do way based on the situation you have experienced and so showing some empathy for yourself goes a long way. Its saying to your 42 year old self, “Well of course you should want acknowledgment (especially if it was absent in your formative years) they’re your parent, who else ought to provide that for you? Of course, you should want to feel valued, championed and respected, no matter your age, who wouldn’t?” ←This is what allowing yourself to “feel” can look like. It’s being honest, vulnerable and safe to admit what feels painful or embarrassing and not judging yourself for it. And perhaps that’s the challenge-that you don’t feel safe with your self.
After you have admitted to what you’re feeling, the next step is to express it (in healthy ways). Did you know you can get physically ill from emotional distress? Well, you can. If there’s no avenue for release, it can begin to manifest in health issues such as migraines, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping or eating, racing thoughts, constipation, inflammation and others. So, expressing looks like finding release- have a good cry, journal, go for a run, go to a rage room (now that’s a place to smash things to your hearts content, not your television or someone’s face y’know?), throw stones into a pond, hit a punching bag, talk to someone. Perfectly okay [see also, human] to experience an emotion, however, what you do with it is a completely different story. Find an avenue to release this energy in your body and quell those symptoms.
After this, you should feel a sense of release, and here is where you self-soothe. I don’t know about you, but the nap that follows a good cry could be an 8th wonder of the world, just saying. The situation may not have changed or resolved yet, but you should be feeling somewhat better. And in fact, when your body is settled and no longer in active distress, your prefrontal cortex is back in action allowing you to respond healthily, rationally and appropriately. I mean, have you ever said or done something in the heat of the moment and immediately regretted it? Yeah. and there’re severe consequences to impulsive or rash actions which some of us might still be facing today because of that one heated moment. It’s okay. The goal is to learn from that and avoid it happening again. So, practice mindfulness, listen to music, dance, pray, spend time with a loved one, watch your favourite TV show or movie you’ve seen fifteen million times and can recite the dialogue without looking at the screen, go on a walk, get a massage, journal. Do something comforting/soothing for you.
Now that you’re calm, the final piece of regulating your emotions is to then ask yourself: “what is something I can do to change the way I feel about this thing?”. Have you made a negative thought or assumption without even realizing it? Do you need to be curious ask a follow up question? Do you need to consider a more neutral or even positive interpretation? Is it you need to be patient? Do you need to be gentle or compassionate? Do you need to forgive someone or…yourself? Do you need to apologize? Do you need to ask for help? Do you need to trust? Is it you need to be okay with a lack of control? Do you need to let go or hold on? No truly, ask yourself what it’s going to take for you to feel better. We may not be able to change what has happened, but you can change how we feel and respond to it. Many times, our emotions are a result of the thoughts or interpretations (often negative and automatic) we’ve made about the situation. So, if we can reframe or challenge a thought, it’s likely emotions, and ultimately, behaviours will respond accordingly.
Regulating your emotions helps you respond to and recover from situations, especially the difficult or excruciating ones. If you realise this is a skill you want to develop or hone, please reach out to the Love & Therapy Team. We would be honoured to walk alongside you; help you understand the nuances of emotion regulation, including how to navigate conflicting or contradicting emotions. Have you ever been excited yet nervous at the same time? loved someone and been so angry at them at the same time? been hopeful yet cynical? Yeah, there’s a lot more to learn haha but for now, I hope this gives you new insight and tangible skills to practice.
Until next time,
Tanitoluwa
