Why Grieving the loss of a pet is so difficult

Many pet lovers who have experienced the death of their fur baby wonder why the heart-wrenching grief is so difficult and often different than grieving the loss of a person they love. Regardless of whether the loss was anticipated due to old age or a long illness, or occurred suddenly, the absence of our daily companion and furry best friend is significant and painful. While researching how to best support people going through this loss I found the following explanations which make understanding pet loss grief a little easier:

‍ ‍1. Neural coupling: Researchers recently did an experiment in which they made dogs and people the dogs had not previously met wear EEG machines that measured their brain waves. They found that over time, as the dogs and humans made eye contact or the human petted the dog their brain waves became increasingly similar. By comparing this to the results of EEGs taken with a separate group of dogs and humans that were not in contact at all and a third group of dogs and humans that didn’t interact but were in the same room, the researchers concluded that human brains and dog brains literally become synced as they bond and interact. This is also a good example of evidence-based justification for Emotional Support Animals! When our brains have become synced with our pet’s brain and then the pet is suddenly gone, is causes significant cognitive distress due to a disruption in brain wave patterns.

‍ ‍2. Secure bases: Research has shown that pet owners function as a “secure base” for their pet. This means pets form attachments to their owners which leads to pets feeling secure enough to play and explore. Also, since pets rely on their owners to feed, walk, groom, teach, play with them, and make sure they’re healthy, their life very much revolves around their owner. Similarly, pet owners get comfort, protection, and unconditional love and affection from their pets; thus, pets function as a secure base for their owners. And it’s pretty obvious that our lives revolve around our pets because of all the time we spend caring for them. If this comforting presence and daily routine is disrupted when our pet dies, it can cause chaos and feel paralyzing at the same time. Which leads into a more scientific explanation of why this is…

‍ ‍3. Neurotransmitters: Interacting with and caring for our pets produces the neurotransmitters dopamine (associated with pleasure, motivation, rewards, and motor control), oxytocin (associated with social connection, bonding, and nurturing behaviors), and serotonin (associated with mood regulation and sleep cycles). We get used to getting a consistent rate and dose of those neurotransmitters every day from our pets, whether we’re aware of it or not. When pets die, the consistent dose of those neurotransmitters our brain expects is suddenly cut off, which can cause our brain to panic and experience a withdrawal of sorts. Getting a substitute source for those warm and fuzzy neurotransmitters (such as a stuffed animal that looks like your pet that you can hold and talk to) during those first few days is one way of easing this transition instead of white-knuckling it cold-turkey.

‍ ‍4. External validation: When people pass away it is normal and expected for their close family members to take bereavement leave from work, plan a funeral or memorial, and go through a grieving process. Friends and family take turns delivering meals to the persons closest to the lost loved one, and relatives from out of state travel to attend the service. People even spend hundreds or thousands of dollars buying burial plots years before the death occurs to ensure final wishes are honored and the deceased can have a final resting place among other family plots. But if your dog dies and you ask your boss for bereavement leave, they might look at you sideways. Your cousins aren’t going to book expensive flights from 4 states away to come watch a slideshow of your cat with you. Because of this lack of external validation of pet loss and grief it can feel like this huge loss is not taken seriously, or is not seen as “real” grief. But it very much IS REAL GRIEF! Talking to close friends and family who are also pet-lovers and understand what a big deal it is to lose a beloved furry family member is very helpful during this time. Also, planning an intimate memorial service or gathering of people who understand your love for your animal and take it as seriously as you do is another way to process the loss and gain some closure.

It is important to remember that emotions associated with grief do not always follow a step-by-step linear process, and strong emotions will often come in waves or when you least expect it. It is a healthy part of the healing process to FEEL these emotions instead of trying to deny them or stuff them back in. Remind yourself that you won’t always feel this extremely difficult and heavy pain- it will eventually fade enough to think of your fur baby with love and pleasant memories instead of a deep and excruciating yearning.

Sources:

Carbone F, Martin-Grieder C and Hediger K (2026) Neural signature of human–dog interactions: EEG correlates from comparisons with plant and replica dog in a within-subject, cross-over randomized trial. Front. Hum. Neurosci. 20:1731796. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2026.1731796

Horn L, Huber L, Range F (2013) The Importance of the Secure Base Effect for Domestic Dogs – Evidence from a Manipulative Problem-Solving Task. PLoS ONE 8(5): e65296. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0065296